I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
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we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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