I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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