My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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