don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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