I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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