I wanna passion pit in your ass
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
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I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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