I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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