If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
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My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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