In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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