I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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