Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize