I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
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The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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