Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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