I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
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I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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