Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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