I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
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I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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