I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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