i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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