You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
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I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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