i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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