I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
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You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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