Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have aggressive nipples.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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