Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He? As in you personified your dick?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize