u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
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You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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