I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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