I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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