help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
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Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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