I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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