She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
