Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
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Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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