I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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