The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
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Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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