i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
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i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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