So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize