I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize