she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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