Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Follow @tfln