Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Kentucky (859)

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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.

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  (859): So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara. http://tfl.nu/jqcr
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  it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?

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  (859): it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone? http://tfl.nu/jw1z
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  Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

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  It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

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  (859): Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester? (1-859): It's after 5, it's not day drinking. http://tfl.nu/fzca
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  You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.

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  (859): You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy. http://tfl.nu/r8h1
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  Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here

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  (859): Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here http://tfl.nu/0vaz
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  I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning

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  (859): I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning http://tfl.nu/m43n
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  Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?

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  (859): Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record? http://tfl.nu/se6e
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  I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?

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  (859): I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown? http://tfl.nu/qdbc
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  You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work

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  (859): You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work http://tfl.nu/e8m2
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  If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.

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  (859): If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know. http://tfl.nu/ok32
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  Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.

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  (859): Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club. http://tfl.nu/0u25
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  Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket

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  (859): Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket http://tfl.nu/ka4g
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  I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH

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  (859): I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH http://tfl.nu/ebr6
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  and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass

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  (859): and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass http://tfl.nu/9tah
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  he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

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  (859): he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club http://tfl.nu/kd8o
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