Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I checked into jail on foursquare
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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