Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
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Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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