then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
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you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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