i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
