I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
babies were throwing up all over the place
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Can I color on your dick again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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