is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize