So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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