Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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