My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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