you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You ruined the universe
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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