How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize