i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize